Audrey Hepburn

When I think "Audrey Hepburn," I think "mousy." So do most other men. Our friend Mr. Dictionary defines mousy like this:

Resembling a mouse, especially: Having a drab, pale brown color; having small sharp features; quiet; timid; shy.

Yup, that's what we love: drab, small timid women.

I won't even mention the other definition of "mousy": Infested with mice. Ew.

Hey Barbra Streisand

We have no idea why you want to look like a victorian newspaper boy. But as long as you're going to the newsstand, get us a pack of smokes and a Twix bar. And on the way home, lose the hat.

FUggs

Hey ladies: you look at our shoes, right? We do the same. And when we see you (still) wearing Uggs, it makes us think of at least two things:

1) We wonder if you're legal, 'cause it's pretty much impossible to wear these and not look like you're 13, and

2) Do your Uggs (and your feet) smell like our slippers, which pretty much smell like old fish wrapped in older cheese wrapped in ass. Either of these things are sure to kill a boner.

So who would like to defend these horrible things? And you can't play the comfort card, because if you do, we'll just have to get out our 15-year-old Cubs hoodie. You know, the one with the taco sauce all over the front.